there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
