Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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