OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
