she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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