wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
They took my balls.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
