she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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