her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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