I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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