Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
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I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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