you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
