I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
