I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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