We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
