I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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