I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
