she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
