I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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