I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
