Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
