he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
