This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
