paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
