hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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