24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
