Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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