Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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