she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
