Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
