Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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