Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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