Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
