my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
