Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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