These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
