I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
This baby is an asshole
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
