my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
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