I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
