Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
