she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
