OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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