that's an acceptable place to lick
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
