Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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