i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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