Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Randomize
