I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
