The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
