New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
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Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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