Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
