I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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