How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
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That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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