don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
