FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The Olympian is in my bed
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
