I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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