Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
