I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
