apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
