Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
